Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
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My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord