My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Girl, are you a microwave? Cause I wanna put a baby in you.
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“Is your refrigerator running?”
“My fridge used to run every day, but ever since he started smoking marijuana he just lays on the couch.”
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I bet Matt McConaughey isnt aware he’s in movies. His agent drops him off & hes like “Ha-Allright..this is my life now? Cool camera broski!”
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Everything beeps and blinks.
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*