Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
You Might Also Like
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
japanese corn
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.