Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
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Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.