“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
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You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Trumpy Cat
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.