@mattytalks

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

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@AlmightyBored

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

@AaronMichael_

Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

@TenaciousGrace_

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

@LipLush1

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

@DrakeGatsby

YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy

Me: *astonished whisper* Son?

@karanbirtinna

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

@Brampersandon_

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

@KeetPotato

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

@Princekipzin

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?