Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

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During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.


Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.


Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”


Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?


YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy

Me: *astonished whisper* Son?


Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..



*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear


[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”


You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?