Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
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You鈥檒l never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it鈥檚 much worse
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
i鈥檓 kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 馃鈿★笍
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn鈥檛 want to ruin it with exercise.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Forget the wolf. I鈥檓 hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don鈥檛 know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) 鈥k yeah that鈥檚 what i THOUGHT
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”