Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
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I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
the council will decide your fate
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick