Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
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BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.