@Tmoney68

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

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@fro_vo

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

@drankturpentine

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

@hunz74

I went to a AAA meeting today and a guy celebrated 21 years. That is some responsible vehicle ownership.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

@sevenxx7

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

@hippieswordfish

ME: isn’t this great??
WIFE: not really
ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what’s wrong

@treydayway

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

@BraandoCommando

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

@primawesome

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.