Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
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People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house