Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
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If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
The news in a nutshell.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car