I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
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Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
How did the butcher introduce his wife? MEET PATTY
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.