Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
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I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car