@JohnLyonTweets

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

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@RdrJay47

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

@ShittingtonUK

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

@torrami

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

@3sunzzz

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

@MustardSally1

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

@smerobin

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

@Quartzjixler

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.