Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
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CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Sniffing the broccoli
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.