Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
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I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
😏😏😏
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
This anagram machine is out of order.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.