@Rlpihl

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

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@Kennycruzin

When one squirrel says “I like to eat nuts”, there is probably always another squirrel who says “that’s what she said.”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

@bourgeoisalien

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

@heatherlou_

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

@iRowlf

You can get a free carton of ice cream at the grocery store if you eat the whole thing before the cops show up.

@vapidaccount

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

@KeetPotato

[my 1st day as crime scene investigator]
detective: “how did this man drown?”
me: “he could not breathe underwater”

@ericsshadow

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

@robdelaney

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.