Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
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There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel