Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

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When one squirrel says “I like to eat nuts”, there is probably always another squirrel who says “that’s what she said.”


If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.


I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face


If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.


You can get a free carton of ice cream at the grocery store if you eat the whole thing before the cops show up.


Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…


[my 1st day as crime scene investigator]
detective: “how did this man drown?”
me: “he could not breathe underwater”


Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”


Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.