Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
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I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?