@kelkulus

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

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@LoveYoorFate

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

@RedRegenerated

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

@TheQuietPsycho

Apparently just because your dad had a bunch of DUI’s, the cops won’t accept “tradition” as an excuse as to why you’re driving drunk.

@ehchinoo

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

@Aikiwomannc

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

@TheHyyyype

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

@AnOrangeSNES

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie