Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
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Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
that de-escalated quickly