“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
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PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Apparently just because your dad had a bunch of DUI’s, the cops won’t accept “tradition” as an excuse as to why you’re driving drunk.
Wait – my gym moved?
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Beauty is in the Eye Of The Tiger.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?