Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
You Might Also Like
Natural selection at its finest
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?