I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn and a walking cane suddenly appeared in my hands. So obviously I shook it at them.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
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Bring cheeseburgers to a knife fight. No one wants to stab someone who gave them cheeseburgers.
I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. He chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me he will never trust another human being again.
DATE: It’s expensive here.
ME: That’s okay, I’m not paying.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
[drops the bass]
[gets fired from fishmongers]
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.