@WVUPRT

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

You Might Also Like

@DaddyJew

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn and a walking cane suddenly appeared in my hands. So obviously I shook it at them.

@delusions_of

Bring cheeseburgers to a knife fight. No one wants to stab someone who gave them cheeseburgers.

@AristotlesNZ

I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. He chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me he will never trust another human being again.

@chrellsangel

DATE: It’s expensive here.

ME: That’s okay, I’m not paying.

@stevevsninjas

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

@NottaBigDeal

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

@david8hughes

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

@PinkCamoTO

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.