Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

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I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn and a walking cane suddenly appeared in my hands. So obviously I shook it at them.


Bring cheeseburgers to a knife fight. No one wants to stab someone who gave them cheeseburgers.


I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. He chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me he will never trust another human being again.


DATE: It’s expensive here.

ME: That’s okay, I’m not paying.


Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?


The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”


As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”


I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.