girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
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(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.