@tonyhawk

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

You Might Also Like

@GroovyTasia

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

@Parkerlawyer

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

@FilthyRichmond

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

@amselts

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

@causticbob

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

@roxiqt

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

@chuuew

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

@That_Damn_Duck

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:2;}