Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
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That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Breaking news:
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.