girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
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Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.