“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
*girl at the end of the bar winks at me
*I wink back
*she pouts at me
*I pout back
Waitress: Call 911! She’s had a stroke!
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once someone was like “millennials don’t answer a door if they aren’t expecting anyone???” and i get why the 70s had so many serial killers
at banned camp,
I felt really excluded.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me: *slides can of spinach across table* what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeye’s
Yes, the Nazis were wrong but the Von Trapps were also singing very loudly, all the time, and had refused to stop.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that