The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
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Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Monica just destroyed the internet
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.