@drinksmcgee

*girl at the end of the bar winks at me

*I wink back

*she pouts at me

*I pout back

*she drools

Waitress: Call 911! She’s had a stroke!

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@SirEviscerate

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

@Abid_ism

once someone was like “millennials don’t answer a door if they aren’t expecting anyone???” and i get why the 70s had so many serial killers

@lincnotfound

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me: *slides can of spinach across table* what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeye’s

@GaryJanetti

Yes, the Nazis were wrong but the Von Trapps were also singing very loudly, all the time, and had refused to stop.

@PhilJamesson

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

@daemonic3

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

@SteveSuckington

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

@SoVeryBritish

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that