Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
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[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point