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MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap