Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
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[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass