[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
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You had me at “define legal”.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Don’t snitch tag.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.