If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
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Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.