@briangaar

Girl can I ask you a question *gets down on one knee* would you like to make $8,000 a week working from home

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@briancthayer

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

@ItsAndyRyan

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

@moose_chocolate

“7 minutes in heaven” but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.

@girlnarly

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

@truegritrumble

FRIEND: Try to relate to her.

(Later on Date)

ME: *nervously* Can I be your cousin?

@MissSassy_Pants

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

@online_shawn

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

@OctopusCaveman

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

@DemetriusHarmon

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government