Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Girl can I ask you a question *gets down on one knee* would you like to make $8,000 a week working from home
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Me: I don’t like anyone enough to live with them.
Friend: You’re married with 4 kids.
Me: I said what I said.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]
*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I’m calling them Accused Murder Hornets until I hear their side the story.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat