Girl can I ask you a question *gets down on one knee* would you like to make $8,000 a week working from home

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Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing


Me: I don’t like anyone enough to live with them.

Friend: You’re married with 4 kids.

Me: I said what I said.


Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house


*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]


Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.


Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*


I’m calling them Accused Murder Hornets until I hear their side the story.


Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them


WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ


Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat