HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
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My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
One of the best
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.