Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Girl can I ask you a question *gets down on one knee* would you like to make $8,000 a week working from home
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Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
“7 minutes in heaven” but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
FRIEND: Try to relate to her.
(Later on Date)
ME: *nervously* Can I be your cousin?
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government