optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
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The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
work smarter, not harder
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground