@keeperoftheday

Girl: come over. Guy: I’m coming over. Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over.

You Might Also Like

@Reel2Dialog2

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

@leakypod

snape: how will we protect the stone

dumbledore: obstacles that only a powerful wizard could beat

snape: so like hypothetically 3 twelve year olds couldnt beat them

dumbledore:

snape:

dumbledore: i mean i hope not

@Rollinintheseat

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

@PleaseBeGneiss

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

@stuckinaportal

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

@randygdub

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

@AimeeHelene1

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.