A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
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I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
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If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.