God: 8 arms
G: with suckie things
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
G: …I ate mushrooms
Girl: come over. Guy: I’m coming over. Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over.
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snape: how will we protect the stone
dumbledore: obstacles that only a powerful wizard could beat
snape: so like hypothetically 3 twelve year olds couldnt beat them
dumbledore: i mean i hope not
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
Me: I did not see this coming
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
was so excited to find a message in a bottle damn
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.
(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.