@QwertyJones3

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

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@ArfMeasures

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

@jackiembouvier

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

@TheRealPalMal

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?

@PleaseBeGneiss

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

@leslid79

32. Never married. No children. nnI’m the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.

@iwearaonesie

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

@Parkerlawyer

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

@Mr_Kapowski

I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign’s horoscope just to hear them say “that’s so me!”