*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
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Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.