my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
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Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
OMG you guys!! I have abs
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.
Me: I should stop drinking
Me: I dunno
Me: You’re awesome when you drink
Me: Thanks, me. You’re alright