Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
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I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”