Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
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Worlds greatest photobomb
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Hey Fugeddaboutit
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?