GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
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“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.