GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
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My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
🤣🤣🤣
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Autocorrect completely socks
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.