Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
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Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
I am laughing way too hard at this.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!