Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
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(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid