Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

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Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear


Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off


My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.


*First day in group therapy*

Counselor: Dave, do you have anything to share?

Me: *puts Doritos back under chair*

No, no I do not.


Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.


But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?


HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!


She said she was a free spirit. That’s good. Wasn’t sure how I’d pay for a spirit.


ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone


Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”