Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
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[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Potatoes were such a good idea