*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
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Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
My friends make fun of me for having a messy car but yesterday mcdonalds didn’t give Maddie bbq sauce for her nuggets and guess what I had in my back seat??? bbq sauce so I don’t wanna hear it anymore
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Clients after you give them your rates
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.