non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
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I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.