I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
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Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.