To support all you Movember guys, I’m not shaving my legs this month. To be honest, I probably won’t shave in Mecember or Manuary either.
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
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3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep. The other wants to know if penguins have knees.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I turn into a Mexican soccer announcer when in driving in traffic
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
“Follow your dreams!” say the people who won’t pay my rent.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”