Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
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1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk