Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
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PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
where the womens at?
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.