Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
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(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.