@SortaBad

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

You Might Also Like

@jbillinson

“Yes Mr. Trump, I took Joe’s pocket knife away and we’ll get you some new tires for that limo right away, but I can’t make him say sorry”

@Home_Halfway

Quartantine:

Day 1: I have bought many groceries. I am prepared for months of isolation

Day 2: I have eaten all groceries and will need to return to the store

Day 3: I have eaten all groceries and will need to return to the store

Day 4: I have eaten all groceries and will nee

@QwertyJones3

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

@BuckyIsotope

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

@murrman5

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

@MrMildSauce

It’s not working. I’ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.

@AtticusFinch79

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

@kamweru_

Saw a guy steal a car using a hanger so I did what any normal person would do, walked up to him & asked “You that guy from Grand Theft Auto?