Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
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Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Beware of fowl play.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Siri: Retweet me.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.