According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
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“Yes Mr. Trump, I took Joe’s pocket knife away and we’ll get you some new tires for that limo right away, but I can’t make him say sorry”
Day 1: I have bought many groceries. I am prepared for months of isolation
Day 2: I have eaten all groceries and will need to return to the store
Day 3: I have eaten all groceries and will need to return to the store
Day 4: I have eaten all groceries and will nee
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?
*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
It’s not working. I’ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Saw a guy steal a car using a hanger so I did what any normal person would do, walked up to him & asked “You that guy from Grand Theft Auto?