Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
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Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
*pronounces patio like ratio
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors