Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
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Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Not all heroes wear capes…
BaD BoY!!
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
(before sex)
*sings national anthem