No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
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HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.