Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
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My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I am yelling
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.