girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
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When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
People buying plungers never look happy.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.