@shutyourhell

girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?

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@TwinSurvivalist

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

@AngryBlkManDC

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

@leftarmisme

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

@DaveAmiott

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

@Twitmytweeties

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

@MomOnFire

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

@coketruck76

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

@UncleDuke1969

“Hi-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Do y-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Excuse m-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”

@afloodofblood

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

@0point5twins

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn